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The Truth About the 21st Century

Exciting events for the fabulous century to come By Richard von Busack 2000: Aftermath of Y2K disaster. EBay market crashes; price of Hummel ceramic dogs bottoms out at 2 cents a pound. Manually ground coffee, underdone toast plagues nation's breakfasts. Melted ice cream devoured by store clerks causes mass hospitalization by tummy aches. 2001: New Nostradamus prophecy unearthed at Mont de Pythone, Bordeaux. Translated, it reads: "Dozen eggs, cheese, poudre de nettoyage (laundry detergent), bread, ham." Studying the document, a summit meeting of psychics agree that it predicts the destruction of the world by a Texas-sized comet. 2002: Calista Flockhart slips through storm drain--feared lost. 2003: Surgeons at Stanford perform first successful dual hand transplant. Unfortunately, it is later revealed that the donor hands were from an executed strangler. 2004: Monsanto perfects Terminator birth control; 100 percent effective, but users must buy sperm and eggs if they wish to conceive later. 2005: Nobel prize for literature awarded to Jewel. 2006: Holy Grail rediscovered at an Antiques Roadshow filming in St. Paul, Minn. Dents, refinishing and wine stains reduce its value to collectors. More 21st century predictions from Paul Krassner. 2007: USA Today, New York Times and Los Angeles Times merge. The new daily journal calls itself Complete Lies in order to pique the sense of irony of the sought-after "Generation Z.1" market--the most ironic generation in human history. The strategy backfires. As a title, Complete Lies could conceivably be true--and therefore unironic. Sales plummet. The new national paper fires all of its writers, rejiggers its image and redebuts, calling itself Absolute Truth. Now satisfied with the irony, young readers make Absolute Truth "their" "paper" "of" "record." 2008: Pokémon nostalgia craze sweeps country; live-action movie Pokémon: The First Live-Action Movie becomes a hit. Best director Oscar for director/ writer Neil LaBute (who previously helmed In the Company of Men, Your Friends and Neighbors and Midwestern Bastards Without Any Redeeming Qualities). Interestingly, this is the first hit movie with a genetically engineered star: playing Pokémon (voiced by Sir Kenneth Branagh) is a pig/bunny hybrid known as "Jaundice Flabby II." 2009: I Could Just Eat You Alive! debuts on NBC's "Please for the Love of God Watch This" Thursday-night lineup. Sit-com features the crazy cannibal Hannibal Lecter (Charles Dance), his wife, Clarice (Natasha Gregson Wagner), their spicy, trash-talkin' maid (Maria Conchita Alonso) and their brood of irrepressible children (Arquette Richardson, Turquoise Baldwin and Surrey Pitt-Jolie). 2020: Lourdes Ciccione's debut CD, Rut Me Like a Rabid Dog, released. 2021: Scientists gather at Antarctic Sands beach resort to debate existence of global warming. 2022: Paul Theroux's A Trip Around My Convalescent Home reaches the top of the bestseller list. 2023: Lourdes Ciccione has daughter, Immaculate Bleeding Heart Ciccione. 2024: Ankle-baring swimsuit banned in Idaho. 2025: Lourdes Ciccione's CD Chastity, Queen of Virtues released. 2026: Researchers at UC-Susanville genetically engineer a shrimp that knows how to whistle. 2027: Lost Shakespeare play discovered in a library in Crawley, Sussex. His 1588 Tragedy of the Damned Harlot Witch Queen Elizabeth was apparently suppressed by royal order. 2028: Star Wars: Episode 9 released. Crowds of senior citizens wait up to 45 minutes in line at the nation's Millaplexes in anticipation of the downloading of George Lucas' last installment in the epic. The film is not well received by younger viewers, who are disappointed by the storyline about the last of the Jedis rallying a Planet-owner's Association to protest against the late-night ruckuses, cluttered balconies and unkempt appearance of a rebel planet. 2029:Skippy, first puppy elected to Congress 2030: A Cup of Coffee by Edgar Schmeltz-Forman wins National Book Award. Entire 3,700-page novel takes place in the head of the author as he waits for his coffee to perk. 2031: Critic Richard von Busack is found dead in a double-wide trailer in Bella Vista, Ark., penniless and forgotten. "Basically, it was his lack of respect for other people's values that made him end up all alone like this," comments Benton County Sheriff Sam Emory Jr. "When you spend your life mocking and scoffing, you can't expect anyone to come to your funeral." 2032: Bill requiring five-day cooling-off period on the sales of Mrs. Field's cookies and curly fries sponsored by Vice President Misty. 2033: Dyslexic Liberation Army bombs Wheat House, popular tourist attraction in Silo, Neb. 2034: Busta Capp and His .44 Caliber Dancers Good-Tyme Gangsta Nostalgia Hour rated as the No. 1 tele/Internet show among viewers 65 and older. 2035: Turning the Page by Amanda Hugankiss wins National Book Award. Entire 5,280-page novel takes place in the head of a woman reading one page of Schmeltz-Forman's novel A Cup of Coffee. 2040: Peter Parker, a.k.a. Spiderman, dies in Boca Raton, Fla., age 82. 2041: Gingrich Monument dedicated in Washington, D.C.; the deaths of several tourists cause the 6,000-foot pit to be retrofitted with a safety railing. 2044: Genetically engineered Singing Azaleas become national gardening craze. Shrubs arrive, ready to perform a variety of tunes including Disney classics and Ricky Martin and Gershwin hits. 2050: People's Choice Awards announced. Orkney Paltrow-Baldwin and Wolverhampton Barrymore-Voigt win for their drama Bleeders, a semiautobiographical story about hemophiliacs in love. 2051: President Jimbo declares two-front war on Hell and Saturn. War with Hell and Saturn ends in victory. "VHS" day will be celebrated for as long as it is so ordered to be celebrated. 2055: Clarabelle Scene reaches cultural zenith. Generation Z.5 cult worshipers of mid-20th-century clown attend slide-whistle concerts, pie-facing, seltzer orgies. 2056: Antichrist defeated by Anti-Antichrist in skies above Jerusalem. 2057: Crash of mainframe containing downloaded Wired magazine editorial staff. Unrecoverable error. R.U. Sirius, Timothy Leary, other futurists, trapped for eternity in electronic limbo much like the Phantom Zone in Superman comics. 2058: Supreme Court decides in favor of police using deadly force "if someone looks at them cross-eyed." 2059: Anticipating a fast-food demand for "pork wings," UC-La Honda scientists develop pigs that fly. 2060: Pacific Ocean closes. 2061: Immaculate Bleeding Heart Ciccione releases first nano-CD, Promiscuous as the Day Is Long. 2062: Cloudy, scattered showers in evening. 2063: Sealed records reveal that the real assassin of JFK, RFK and Martin Luther King Jr. was Dion, an obscure mid-20th-century musician who hoped to capitalize on the tragedies with a song titled "Has Anyone Here Seen My Old Friend John?" 2064: Pretty dull year. We hung out on the roof, drinking beer, eating neo-peanuts and listening to the Geiger counter click. 2065: War on Drugs ends. "VW" day is celebrated in Times Square with massive public shoot, smoke and snort-up. 2066: Director James Cameron dies in an Arizona trailer, penniless and forgotten. "Basically, when you spend your life boasting and bragging, you tend to drive people away," comments Maricopa County Sheriff Doug Teesdale. "As popular as he once was for his movie Titanic, we're not expecting anyone to come to the funeral of this self-declared 'king of the world.'" 2067: Immaculate Bleeding Heart Ciccione releases nano-CD Born-Again Virginity. 2068: Last person who remembers Mick Jagger dies. 2069: Immaculate Bleeding Heart Ciccione produces clone, Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Ciccione. 2077: Director James Cameron's dog Tuffy dies in an Arizona animal shelter, penniless and forgotten. "Trying to please everyone ends up pleasing no one," comments SPCA Assistant Director Lori Ramirez. "A dog can only be so affectionate, and then people get the idea that he's got something to hide. We're not expecting anyone to come to his cremation." 2078: World War IV commences, ends. In Paris, the skort becomes de rigueur for casual wear. 2079: Plastic Hamburglar hand-puppet sold at Sotheby's for $9.8 million. 2080: Amanda Estherbrook, last happy person in the British Isles, dies, age 84 . 2081: First Contact. Aliens from the Crab Nebula turn out to be sentient Dungeness crabs; horrified at our treatment of their brothers, they return to their home planet without forwarding address. 2082: USDA categories for rodent meat announced. 2083: "Action finger" craze. Children from kindergarten to high school outdo each other to see who can collect the most fingers from their classmates. 2084: UC-Milpitas professors translate ancient tablets that they claim are actually a warranty for the planet Earth. Hope turns to despair when it is revealed that the warranty is expired. 2085: First hologram sentenced to death. 2086: Anti-Antichrist arrested by militia led by the Anti-Anti-Antichrist (born Steve Gunther of La Cañada, Calif.). Anti-Anti-Anti-Antichrist and Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Antichrist jockey for position. 2087: Outbreak of plant virus among genetically engineered Singing Azaleas "causes the potted plants to become potty mouths." Diseased azaleas belt out smutty songs like "Barnacle Bill, the Sailor," "The Harlot of Jerusalem" and "Shave 'Em Dry." The use of plant-killers worsens the conditions, causing the azaleas to become surly and deranged. Homeowners are kept awake in the wee hours by hoarse choruses of "Shut Your ******* Face, Uncle ******," "******** the *******, the lot of you ******" and, worst of all, "*******, ***********, ****, ****, *****!" 2088: Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Ciccione releases first angstrom-CD, Like Pigs in Heat. 2090: First automobile elected to the Senate; hydrogen-electric hybrid engine made Xyzzzx 1500 CV popular with California's Oxygenist party. 2091: "Three Strikes, You're Lunch" law passes, mandating the legal consumption of three-time misdemeanor criminals. 2092: One-hundredth anniversary of Oprah Winfrey's declaration: "I have been made a better person by seeing Schindler's List." Parades, speeches, U.S. postage stamp commemorates OWMABP day. 2093: Earth's population reaches 10 trillion. Fortunately, two-parent families, strong religious beliefs make overcrowding, famine, disease bearable. 2094: Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Ciccione releases second hit angstrom-CD, Take Me Home, Purity. Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Ciccione genetically engineers daughter, Sts Mary Margaret Agnes of God Louise Theresa Ciccione. 2095: Smallcox epidemic. Thousands of men worldwide commit suicide over shame caused by their disease-shrunk genitalia. 2096: Coup by talking gorillas nearly topples World Government. The Lawgiver, leader of the rebellion, pleads for order: "Ape must not kill ape!" 2099: Y2100K bug menaces earth's last computer. [ Santa Cruz Week | MetroActive Central | Archives ]