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Pissed!
By Johnny Angel

Please Welcome ... Mr. Goth Brooks:
'Mix and match' is the way of the future for revitalizing genres

On the new Ministry record, Filth Pig, there is a remarkable cover of Dylan's country classic "Lay Lady Lay," fairly true to the original. Longtime followers of the fathers of industrial metal are astounded, but not me. It's more incredible that this was once the same group that put out Depeche Mode-al crap like "Work for Love."

I've loved Alain & Co. ever since they metamorphosized from Pop Fops to Noise Boys, and I applaud the useful application of the notion that old-school country like the Louvin Brothers and Johnny Cash is far more horrifying than whatever Industrial/Goth posers like Marilyn Manson put out. Just 'cause you dress in black doesn't make you scary, y'know?

So it's no leap of faith that Jourgenson is now putting a bit of Americana on his discs, but I couldn't help but wonder if this will catch on, coming from the other direction. I can see it now: ... (announcer's voice) "And now from the stage of the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee, please welcome for the umpteenth time, Mr. Garth Brooks!!!!"

Suddenly, the curtain drops, and a giant chain-link fence appears, behind which there are five pedal-steel guys lined up in black patent-leather chaps, all wailing on the same screechy, catcall lick, running their bars madly up and down their guitar necks in unison, EEEERRRRR, EEEEEERRRR. And five more fiddlers come out, also in black, also playing the same awful fingers-on-chalkboard groove, EEEEEERRRRRR, EEEEEERRRR.

Under this mess, the astounded audience of countrypolitan ladies and gents are assaulted by a perverse take on the trad two-step by a bass/two drummers tandem, and out pops the Great Garth, black Stetson and weaved dreads, greasy goatee, obviously in thrall to King Al of Chicago. Brooks takes the mic and begins grunting, "I stuck a pig, I stuck a pig, I stuck a pig, They took him away!!!!!!" (to the tune of Ministry's "The Missing") and smashes his guitar on the boards.

Upon this eruption, the backing group breaks into the famous four-note riff from "Stigmata," but instead of using the song's semi-disco beat, Brooks and group turn it into a hoedown. At the tune's apogee, Brooks hurls off his hat to reveal that his balding skull has been tattooed with the numeral 666 and pulls a rig out of his Levi's and boots up on stage! The Opry crew, livid with outrage at this lack of decorum, yanks down the curtain, ending Brooks' amazing "crossover" debut.

Well, I know that it needn't be as drastic as that, but wouldn't you love to see country music return to its raucous roots, and industrial crawl out of its repetitive, Hallooweenie rut? Mix and match is the way of the future!

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