My old housemate, a strutting peacock of a man from Argentina, first put the phrase “high performance underwear” into my vocabulary some years ago when he burst from his room wearing a pair of well–tailored orange man-panties and nothing else.
“You can wear these for five days in the jungle!” he shouted, pelvis thrust out and covered in the best synthetic fiber nature had to offer.
This is where luxury meets utility, and then becomes slightly awkward at group gift exchanges and dorm-style living situations. The basic premise is that travelers, athletes and outdoorsy people need something more evolved than old cotton briefs to keep from getting adult diaper rash—but it doesn’t stop there. The next generation in unmentionables is well-cut, bacteria-resistant and spun from the best breathable wicking superfiber du jour, and promises the type of longevity between launderings previously considered indecent. Five days seems to be the industry standard for how long a person can reasonably wear a pair of super-undies. Don’t ask why; ask how.
The two main fibers for high-performance underwear are wool and synthetic. Each has its advantages. Wool has basically been reinvented in the last decade. It still has an amazing capacity to keep one cool or warm, but it’s not scratchy anymore, it’s not heavy, and it’s not cheap—these wooly wonders can cost upward of $40. Still, there are at least three companies making high-tech knitwear for the nether regions: Icebreakers, Smartwool and Ibex.
They don’t all have cute names, but they all seem to come in a “hipster” variant, which presumably refers to anatomy and not skinny underachieving twenty-somethings. Ibex has the distinction of offering a “Balance thong,” aptly named as it splits the old peach right down the middle. It’s a deal at only $25, and even comes with an inspirational quote in its elastic band. Sadly, it’s only available for women right now, but do look for the Balance banana hammock in time for Christmas 2011.
Patagonia basically has the market cornered on high-tech, high-priced synthetics. Wool may be the closest (politically correct) thing to your own skin, but synthetics have their own appeal. Patagonia’s synthetics are recycled, or at least made from recycled materials.They’re lighter than wool (so you can afford to pack an extra pair for the journey), but still claim all the same keep-you-dry, odor-vanquishing, quick-dry properties as wool. If $40 for woolies still sounds steep, synthetics run about $20. Bounding, pelvis-thrusting Argentinean not included.
