Whether absurd, awkward or humiliating, these scenes provide a perfect template of what not to do to make Valentine’s Day (or night) a success this year.
American Pie (1999)
In a movie known for its over-the-top raunchy humor and absurd sex scenes (you might not want to let Jason Biggs near your kitchen), its Biggs’ bedtime (non)encounter with Shannon Elizabeth that’s the most painfully embarrassing but hilarious of the bunch. Sultry exchange student Nadia and the less-than-smooth Jim are ready to go all the way when an unfortunate (ahem) “misfire” ruins the mood. Throw in some awkward dance moves and pesky Internet cam, and this dream-turned-nightmare-come-true becomes a movie classic.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Losing your virginity can be many things: nerve-racking, exciting, awkward—but one thing you probably don’t want it to be is cringeworthy. When the virginal Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh) falls for an older man and they head out to “the Point,” what ensues is probably the most uncoordinated attempt at coitus ever to take place in an abandoned baseball dugout decorated by wild surf Nazi graffiti. One can’t help but sympathize with Stacy in this all-too-honest portrayal of one of the most important rites of passage into adulthood.
Team America: World Police (2004)
Directors Trey Parker and Matt Stone are known for taking risks in their animated TV series South Park, but they outdid themselves in their second feature film when they had their (literally) wooden characters engage in a hilarious parody of those too-long sex scenes in romance movies. What begins as a fairly routine movie love scene quickly devolves into kinky experimentation and finally ends in absolute absurdity. Needless to say, it set the standard for puppet sex in movies.
The Naked Gun (1988)
Ridiculous is probably one of the foremost qualities used to describe Leslie Nielsen, and The Naked Gun may be the zaniest of his films. To wit: the classic sex scene between Nielsen and his lady friend in which they prove just how safe they are by attiring themselves in full-body condoms before getting down to business. Inconvenient? Maybe, but at least they’re setting a good example.
Demolition Man (1993)
Any movie featuring Sylvester Stallone in a futuristic dystopia where an overzealous government has wiped out any semblance of fun in the name of public safety is going to provide its fair share of preposterous scenes (think Dennis Leary leading an underground society of hedonistic rebels). The ludicrousness reaches its apex when Sly tries to put the moves on Sandra Bullock, only to find that sex has been outlawed in an attempt to curb venereal disease. Fortunately (or not), the government has designed a baroque system designed to simulate the sensation complete with silly hats and desensitization chambers.
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Why sexy Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) would ever hook up with (don’t call him stupid) Otto (Kevin Kline) is a mystery to us until he launches into a torrent of fast-paced Italian that makes her knees melt. What Wanda doesn’t realize is that what seems like a deluge of sexily accented sweet nothings is really nothing more than a silly pastiche (eggplant parmigiana, anyone?) culminating in one of the funniest climaxes in movie history.
